I found a strand of white hair and freaked out. Getting older is aging me.
Updates:
Stopped thinking about what to do with the next few years of my life, seeing as it is just causing me unproductive stress. In between American literature (the Transcendentalists) and my Intro to Buddhism classes, I have determinedly altered my perspective on my future. In the last few weeks, I have received unrequested advice from unexpected places which I can only earnestly accept. So, an optional plan I've recently added to the myriad of so-called options (mostly unrealistic, unless I feel absolutely determined) seems to be to live as a nun in a monastery (preferably one in Belgium where I can learn the fine craft of brewing). For the immediate summer, Plan A would be to live in Charlotte at Sara's parent's retirement home that was made to party and work on Biobotz/portfolio. Plan B - I found this "clothing optional" beach near my home in NJ which has this amazing view of the NYC skyline, grow my hair as long as Alanis and spend my summer crossing books off my list and basking in the sun wearing nothing but SPF 90.
Meanwhile, technology decided to hate me in the last two weeks. My computer decided it doesn't want to accept any form of internet be it wireless or ethernet, so I traded it in for a loaner which is old and stupid. My phone was dampened with cranberry juice, which I always think I like but in actually really detest. My ipod is reverting back to a black and white graphics of older versions, which could be a sign of its near death. Also I locked my keys in my car the other night and had to wait a whole hour before getting drunk so I could find and deal with the locksmith.
That's about it, nothing too exciting to share. Saw some snow covered bikes and almost broke down crying. Plan X which would be the least probable but at the top of the list would be to get adopted by mom and live my life in wonderful Copenahgen where people aren't causing the destruction of the earth (Day After Tomorrow was on tv tonight, I watched it for a good 10 minutes). This weather is amplifies the fact that school is horribly depressing. Did you know it snowed in 48/50 states last week?
Just more proof that EWA is upset.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My comment was too long
I was under the impression that you already knew Adam had feelings for you, but the confession no doubt changes your views about what you thought was. I can only empathize with you. To hear "in love" is difficult when you can only return platonic love, but I can't say that you should take it as something to fear. I am not surprised that he confessed, seeing that in any turn of events, there are only a few months of school left to make the best use of or to endure. The panic with the school ending and real lives starting has set in for us all, and as we try to tie loose ends and live these last months reflecting on the past few years and ending these months without having regrets, things get real. Because he knows he will miss you and that things will never be the same as they were in college, he had to confess.
The next couple months I predict may happen like this:
There's a grace period, Adam decides its too painful and thus goes into hiding. Hurt and embarrassed, the next couple months pass with the occasional awkward "hey" followed by a half-smile-half-frown. There's only a couple months left to endure this and everyone suffers. When you find that you two can't avoid each other - you will rekindle a watered down version of the friendship that you had. At first you are cautious not to say anything that offends the other, but you realize that graduation is around the corner and wasting time being weird around each other is not the way you want to spend the last few weeks of school, after 4 years of bonding and before you may hardly see each other again. Things become normal or better and you can leave college with your memories skewed than what you previously thought them to be before the confession but as nonetheless incomprehensible as it is to the most of us.
Consider what he wanted from you out of this confession - A positive response and maybe even a recognition of his friendship. You can give him these because you have expressed that you love him, are hurting, and will miss his friendship. The positive response does not necessarily have to be that you are in love with him back. The best expression of your love back to Adam would be to say to him all the things that you feel, so that he can grow and learn. He will appreciate the truth and as painful as it may be for the moment, it will leave the good kind of scar - one that he can look back on in years to come and realize that it made him a better person. I don't think he will grow bitter because he's intelligent enough to understand the whole of the situation. I think he knows that you won't be able to say anything of that extent back to him. He has probably felt trapped by his inability to confess his feelings, and its likely liberating to finally say it but also likely to leave him feeling super vulnerable. But would you if you got on a test ride for a roller coaster? You rationalize how crazy you were for getting on it, rationalize the conditions, look upon past experiences of your roller coaster rides, then you hope for survival. At the end you get off the ride, plant your feet on the ground and pat yourself on the back for doing something crazy. As long as you are still around Adam to assure him that friendship from the last four years are good enough to trust in this new ride, I think the friendship will survive for the better.
See, my understanding of love would be that which helps someone else better understand himself - intellectually and emotionally. If you love Adam back even a little, you will do what is best for him. Give him space first, but also support and the knowledge that things don't have to be weird - that you also love him as a true friend, etc. It's hard to know that you two are hurting at this time, since I can just see from those few times I tagged alongside how much your friendship means to each other. Its rare that you see guy-girl friendships work out and it usually takes this type of turn, but I know you will both come out of this with a better understanding of each other.
The next couple months I predict may happen like this:
There's a grace period, Adam decides its too painful and thus goes into hiding. Hurt and embarrassed, the next couple months pass with the occasional awkward "hey" followed by a half-smile-half-frown. There's only a couple months left to endure this and everyone suffers. When you find that you two can't avoid each other - you will rekindle a watered down version of the friendship that you had. At first you are cautious not to say anything that offends the other, but you realize that graduation is around the corner and wasting time being weird around each other is not the way you want to spend the last few weeks of school, after 4 years of bonding and before you may hardly see each other again. Things become normal or better and you can leave college with your memories skewed than what you previously thought them to be before the confession but as nonetheless incomprehensible as it is to the most of us.
Consider what he wanted from you out of this confession - A positive response and maybe even a recognition of his friendship. You can give him these because you have expressed that you love him, are hurting, and will miss his friendship. The positive response does not necessarily have to be that you are in love with him back. The best expression of your love back to Adam would be to say to him all the things that you feel, so that he can grow and learn. He will appreciate the truth and as painful as it may be for the moment, it will leave the good kind of scar - one that he can look back on in years to come and realize that it made him a better person. I don't think he will grow bitter because he's intelligent enough to understand the whole of the situation. I think he knows that you won't be able to say anything of that extent back to him. He has probably felt trapped by his inability to confess his feelings, and its likely liberating to finally say it but also likely to leave him feeling super vulnerable. But would you if you got on a test ride for a roller coaster? You rationalize how crazy you were for getting on it, rationalize the conditions, look upon past experiences of your roller coaster rides, then you hope for survival. At the end you get off the ride, plant your feet on the ground and pat yourself on the back for doing something crazy. As long as you are still around Adam to assure him that friendship from the last four years are good enough to trust in this new ride, I think the friendship will survive for the better.
See, my understanding of love would be that which helps someone else better understand himself - intellectually and emotionally. If you love Adam back even a little, you will do what is best for him. Give him space first, but also support and the knowledge that things don't have to be weird - that you also love him as a true friend, etc. It's hard to know that you two are hurting at this time, since I can just see from those few times I tagged alongside how much your friendship means to each other. Its rare that you see guy-girl friendships work out and it usually takes this type of turn, but I know you will both come out of this with a better understanding of each other.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
1 year
Happy anniversary, to more years of arrows and moments
Can you believe it??
I sure can't.
I also can't believe you're 22.
Happy Birthday KIMMY!!
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Facebook Update
Over-sharing on Facebook has become trying. These are a list of the most commonly over shared types of updates (stolen from a mag). I found them cleverly true, I hope this will also amuse you.
The Oh, Shut Up-date
Jonathan is THRILLED by Time Out's favorable review of his club gig! (link)
Susan My kid just gets cuter.. and cuter.. and cuter every day!
The EWWPdate
Anna My rash is better, but still oozing
Jose Flu, day 3: Vomiting gone, but have the runs instead. And now Jack is throwing up.
The Schtupdate (should have been called the SLUT-date?)
Jackie is putty in the hands of a man who brings her coffee in bed
Melissa just loves morning sex
The Don't Save the (Up)date
Alexandra Hey, girlfriend! Psyched for J's wedding! Want to share a room?
Charlie I land on Friday - will be great to catch up! Can't wait to see you!
PS Alexandra's friend wasn't invited to the wedding and Charlie blew off other people in the town he's visiting
The I Screwed Up-Date
Sara I'm so sorry. I have a few reasons, but no excuses, Weepy sleepiness = complete penance
Bill Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me. I can't believe I said what I said. Forgive me?
The I Chewed Up-Date
Christine is eating toast
Christine just made ramen
Christine has linguine with clam sauce - yum
The Just Suck it Up-date
Candice 'Tis a sad, sad day when one realizes she doesn't mean a thing to anyone
The re-up-date
Sam is on the plane!
Sam is landing!
Sam is getting off the plane!
Sam Here comes my suitcase!
Joe Wish I could just disappear. Just the fact I exist has always hurt people
The Oh, Shut Up-date
Jonathan is THRILLED by Time Out's favorable review of his club gig! (link)
Susan My kid just gets cuter.. and cuter.. and cuter every day!
The EWWPdate
Anna My rash is better, but still oozing
Jose Flu, day 3: Vomiting gone, but have the runs instead. And now Jack is throwing up.
The Schtupdate (should have been called the SLUT-date?)
Jackie is putty in the hands of a man who brings her coffee in bed
Melissa just loves morning sex
The Don't Save the (Up)date
Alexandra Hey, girlfriend! Psyched for J's wedding! Want to share a room?
Charlie I land on Friday - will be great to catch up! Can't wait to see you!
PS Alexandra's friend wasn't invited to the wedding and Charlie blew off other people in the town he's visiting
The I Screwed Up-Date
Sara I'm so sorry. I have a few reasons, but no excuses, Weepy sleepiness = complete penance
Bill Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me. I can't believe I said what I said. Forgive me?
The I Chewed Up-Date
Christine is eating toast
Christine just made ramen
Christine has linguine with clam sauce - yum
The Just Suck it Up-date
Candice 'Tis a sad, sad day when one realizes she doesn't mean a thing to anyone
The re-up-date
Sam is on the plane!
Sam is landing!
Sam is getting off the plane!
Sam Here comes my suitcase!
Joe Wish I could just disappear. Just the fact I exist has always hurt people
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)